My sister had a baby

My sister Kristin had a baby yesterday.  Declan Rhys Wurgler O'Brien was born in the morning and is absolutely stunning.

I was able to talk to Kristin shortly after Declan was born and I was completely caught off guard by how emotional I became.  As I was talking to her I heard Declan's squeaky little cry and I lost it.  I started crying so hard.  I got my composure and finished the conversation, but after I hung up I just stood in the middle of my brightly lit kitchen sobbing for quite a long time.  If my neighbours happened to look down into my kitchen windows, I'm sure they would have been quite curious about why I was just standing there crying.

I cried because I am so happy that he is here safe and healthy.  And that my sister is safe and healthy.  I cried because I realised how amazing it is that he is so new and will one day be 5 months like Violet and 3 years like Vivian.  All of that potential and possibility is stored up in his tiny squeaky little self.  I cried because I feel for Kristin and Austin.  They are embarking on the most trying and emotional and difficult and amazing journey of their life.  It is absolutely brutal sometimes and sometimes it's carefree, fun and beautiful.  I also cried a lot because I am so incredibly disappointed to be so incredibly far away from people I love so incredibly much.  It's heart-wrenching.  Truly heart-wrenching.

I'm glad we're here.  I know I'm learning and growing and evolving and improving, but man is it sad to miss out on important things happening to my family!  I keep trying to Seize the Day here.  I try to not dwell on what I'm missing out on but what I'm able to do.  I'm usually quite good at that.  Lately it's been challenging.  And, not only because I'm always exhausted.  It's because I truly, truly, truly wish I was home, holding my new nephew and smelling his gorgeous long, dark hair!

Emily's next.  I hope I recover from this sob session by the time my niece arrives!

Sleep Makes All the Difference

Last week I almost lost it. Mark stayed home Friday and let me get some sleep and a tiny bit of down time. Throughout the weekend I slowly but surely started feeling better and more able to deal with life. I was proactive about talking with other mums and I don't feel so crazy anymore. Everyone melts down, usually from sheer exhaustion. Everything just seems so much less hopeful when you haven't slept.

Now I am sitting here rocking my sleeping baby while my lovely little preschooler sleeps peacefully in the other room and all seems right with the world. We had a rough evening on our own because Mark had a work function, but I was able to approach it from a stable place because I am only really tired instead of exhausted, or "knackered."

It is funny because going through this has made me really appreciate the community that I have here. The more you work through hard times in your life with people, the more you bond with them. On one hand it is really nice to bond and feel more supported. On the other hand, it makes me nervous because I know it will be harder to leave after going through this here with these friends. I know this is short-sighted, but that is the kind of thing that makes me wish we never would have come. I don't like missing people. I don't like being away from my family in California. I don't like being away from my friends from California or Chicago. I don't like that I can't just drive down to see Emily and ET on a weekend if I want to. ... And now I will have more friends to miss. I guess the only constant is change. Even if we had stayed put it wouldn't have all been perfect. Friends would have moved away from us or something. 

Oh well, time to quit analyzing and just let myself be happy when I can and allow myself to admit that being a mom really does suck sometimes... But then it gets good again. :)

Now don't start that again...

Today was a great day!  We went to Little Kickers in the morning with Vivian.  She is so cute "playing football."  It's interesting to see her little character come out in these types of situations.  She always hangs back at first - she seems a bit shy.  When there are directions to do something, she doesn't obey them right away but if I repeat them she usually follows my direction.  When they tell all the kids to do something the kids will all take off and Vivian will be hanging back spinning in circles looking at the ceiling or something.  She seems to be a bit of a dreamer.

The mum that I ran into on the bus, Jenny, invited us to join her, Logan, her friend Kara, and her son, also Logan, for a takeaway coffee and playtime at the sandpit.  It was nice.  The boys weren't quite as enamored with the sandpit as Viv so they kept running off causing their mums to chase them, but we still talked a bit and had a nice time.

When Viv woke up we went for an hour-long bike ride in Wandsworth Common and around the bordering neighbourhoods.  It was quite a nice ride and Vivian loved it.  She even peeped in the forest for the first time without a potty.  Quite a milestone!  She's a true "mountain woman" now! :)

So, why after a day like today, do I feel bummed out?  Well, I have heard from several sources that British people don't really talk about their feelings much.  They don't let on that they have any problems.  I found out on Sunday at church that a woman who is 39 weeks pregnant had a baby who died two weeks later last year, so I "shouldn't ask her about her pregnancy."  That warning made me want to ask her even more.  She probably doesn't have anyone to talk to about how hard that was and everyone just ignores that it happened.  When things are hard for me will people around here think I'm just a whiner if I ask for advice or input?  Will I ever really be able to make good friends here?  Am I destined to have the kind of surface level friendships that I am so excited to have now but which will grow quite boring if they never move on past this stage?

The whole setup of tiny family units where one person works and the other stays home is actually quite unhealthy I think.  Within a supportive and family-like community where you have other moms, dads, friends, sisters, parents, aunts, uncles to support you and share in your ups and downs it makes sense, but in our situation - completely isolated from everyone on the planet that we know - it seems completely insane to me.  Even though I have been hard at work recruiting friends, it's not really enough right now.  I crave the closeness of the friends and family that I left behind!

Church

We went to church this morning.  I didn’t have high expectations.  I have heard that this is not a very church-going country, so I thought there might not be many people there.  I was absolutely right.  The pews were maybe 25% full and we were the only people in the entire church with a child under 4 years old.  The reason I know that is because the crèche (nursery) was right inside the sanctuary.  It was a blanket on the floor to the left of the congregation with some toys.  There was a sign that said, St. Mary’s Creche: Parents are responsible for their own children. 

Weird, and definitely not what I was expecting.  Vivi sat with us for about 7 minutes until she noticed the toys and then she was off.  I sat over there with her constantly trying to get her to whisper to no avail.  It was a bit stressful for me.  Since she was the only child playing in this area I had no idea what level of noise was appropriate.  Vivi kept almost shouting, “I LOVE this puppy SO much” (there was a small stuffed puppy there) and “This pink puppy is wet” (I don’t know why it was wet if it was… also concerning) and “What’s this?” (every time she found a new toy). 

Afterwards the main pastor? Priest? Minister?  (I don’t know what you call them in the Church of England) came up to talk to us as we were darting out the door.  She welcomed us and asked if we lived nearby.  They are starting a playgroup on Wednesday so I’m planning to attend so that I can meet other moms (I guess I should start saying mums, but that one is really hard for me to latch onto).  I told her I would do anything I could to help with the playgroup, but between us I don’t think we’ll be back to the church on a Sunday.  My two goals for church are: 1) to experience beauty both visually and through the music and 2) to perhaps meet people and get plugged into the community.  This church has neither beauty nor community even if the head of the church is quite nice.  I think we’ll keep looking for the time being.  If they’re all like this, we might end up taking the train up to Southwark Cathedral every Sunday so that we can experience beauty and then eat lunch afterwards at the Borough Market.  That would not be a terrible way to spend a Sunday!

The sun is shining today and it’s gorgeous outside, so for lunch we ate in the garden on our brand new patio furniture!  I’m out here now typing away and it’s absolutely lovely.  I can hear my neighbors on each side puttering away in their own gardens.  It’s weird to hear them but not see them.  In Oak Park we always stood and talked to our neighbors in the backyard if we were out at the same time.  I do miss that but I’m quite contented sitting back here by myself in the “peace and quiet” with the sounds of trains, planes, sirens and neighbors to keep me company. 

This has been quite a difficult weekend for me actually. I didn’t write because I honestly didn’t have anything nice to say and wasn’t really willing to be that vulnerable.  Now I’m out from under the storm cloud. 

I have been feeling like I really need to recharge but don’t know how.  My patience and my creativity as a mother have all but disappeared and I’ve really needed a break.  The problem is that I don’t want to be alone if I get the chance to recharge.  I would love to go shopping or get my haircut or something, but if Mark is around I’d rather be with him.  If only I could recharge with Mark but without Vivian and we didn’t have to leave our child with a complete stranger with shifty eyes.  I know this is a temporary problem, but it often feels like things will never change or improve. 

Right now, though, as I sit in the garden with the wind blowing through the leaves of the cherry tree and the sun shining down on me, things seem pretty good.  I think we’re going to be ok.

I made a friend today...

But there was a lot more to my day than that.  I don’t really even know what chronology to use to tell this story.  Maybe I’ll follow my old pattern of telling the story from morning to night (I’m getting a bit bored with that, though, so after this I’m going to switch it up).

On Saturday I ordered sheets, towels and a mattress pad from John Lewis, which is a local department store that delivers anything you order to a local grocery store and you can pick it up the next day.  The only reason I can think of that I did that rather than just have it delivered to my house is novelty.  I was excited that I could get something so quickly and pick it up just “down the street.”  I will never do that again.

This morning I thought that Vivi and I could leave early enough to make it to the post office and Waitrose (the local grocery store where my John Lewis goods were delivered) and home for me to throw our new sheets in the wash so that we could leave again to be back to the library by story time at 11.  I was wrong.  We started on our journey just after 9 a.m. and got to the library (which is literally next door to Waitrose) at 10:55 without going home in between.  The amount of time it takes to do anything right now is just bewildering.  Part of it is my attempt to not relegate Viv to her buggy every time we need to walk anywhere, but part is also just that things take a long time here and places are much farther apart than they seem. 

We had to stop by Royal Mail to pick up a parcel that was unsuccessfully delivered on Saturday.  Then we went to Waitrose to pick up our John Lewis order and a few groceries that I needed for dinner tonight.  When I saw the bags that were waiting for me from John Lewis I thought to myself, “well, this will be interesting.”  There were three huge bags.  I completely underestimated how enormous a mattress pad would be (I guess I ordered a particularly fluffy one). 

So, we arrived at story time with a buggy so weighed down with bags and groceries that I kept getting stares from people we passed on the way in.  Story time was a great success in that I made a friend, but weird in that the librarian insists on reading books about monsters scaring the crap out of little kids.  The books actually all ended with the monsters being real and the kids in the books being terrified.  Why, oh why, would you read books like that at a story time?  Vivi doesn’t know what monsters are yet, but all of 4 year olds did and I felt so bad for their parents!

Anyways…

Adults aren’t supposed to talk during story time but I broke the rules today.  The woman next to me had cute boots so I gave her a compliment and then we chatted periodically when there were breaks between books.  Afterwards we talked for about an hour while Vivian sat looking at books and her little boy ran around the library like a wild animal. Once a dad actually walked up to her and asked her if this little chap was hers because he had stolen his daughters drawing and was running around and wouldn’t give it back. Pretty funny and also not that cool, but we’ll deal with that later when I’m not so desperate for a human connection.

She gave me all kinds of advice about finding schools and why that’s important, which toddler/preschool activities are good and bad and what it’s been like for her since she’s moved to London (she’s also an expat – from Poland). 

After our conversation we said that we hoped we would see each other at another story time and then awkwardly said goodbye while we rounded up our stuff and kids.  I kind of just got brave and asked her if she would ever like to come over to our house and play.  I said that I don’t know if people do that here, but I would love to have them come over some time.  She got all smiley and said she would love it.  We exchanged numbers and then went our separate ways.  I was so excited! 

It made the incredibly uncomfortable walk home bearable.  Vivian had to walk and hold my hand, despite being hungry and exhausted, because the buggy was full of our recent acquisitions.  She was so tired that she kept falling down and hurting her knees.  It was raining that really misty kind of rain that gets in your face no matter which direction you face.  By the time we got to our street muscles in my arm that I’d never felt before were cramping up from trying to steer the heavy-laden buggy one-handed while steering Vivian with the other. 

I got home and felt frustrated but laughed it off because that seems to be my most familiar emotion these days. 

As soon as Vivi was in bed I sat down to eat the rest of her lunch and read a deliciously long email from one of my best friends.  I spent the next hour or so sobbing.  I don’t know that I’ve cried that thoroughly in 3 years.  Cheryl lived overseas for 7 or 8 years so she has lots of experience with international adjustments and the emotional roller coaster involved.  Her email detailed some of the things that I’ve been mentioning in my blog and how she can relate or appreciate where I’m coming from.  She told me about what’s going on in her life.  It was wonderful.  It made me feel understood.  It made me feel loved.  It made me feel desperately lonely. 

I sat at the table in our kitchen shaking with sobs during almost all of Vivi’s nap.  When she woke up I had done nothing on my to do list.  I have always hated when people say that there are just not enough hours in a day.  It makes me think that they a) manage their time poorly b) take on too much or c) just say that to get attention.  Well, I said that today.  I’m really trying to be a good mom in the midst of all of this too.  It’s hard.  My mom encouraged me and gave me some ideas of what to do with Viv, so this afternoon we made a cardboard house/fort (we have an overwhelming plethora of cardboard).  She loved it!  I am really going to try to do activities like this every day.  I at least want to try to make the tasks that I’m doing fun for her. 

The dinner I made tonight was supposed to be quick and easy but ended up taking forever.  At one point I spilled garlic powder into the new dish that I was trying.  I had thought that after having a good cry this afternoon I would feel all of the frustration and anger about little things lift or even evaporate.  Not so.  It's still very frustrating trying to dry King Sized (Queen in the US is called King here) sheets on a drying rack.  It's also still frustrating to cook dinner with a 2-year-old begging to be picked up and sticking her head in between your legs.  

I keep saying this type of thing, but maybe, just maybe things will get easier when... 

Roller Coaster

I almost didn’t write tonight.  It felt too much like an emotional roller coaster if I was honest, so I thought maybe I would write later and present a smoother picture of how I’m doing. 

But, the whole point of this blog is to record for myself, and for people who care about my family and me, what my reactions are to things.  Cheryl told me that she really wants to hear about my reactions to what I do and see and experience.  It’s not so much about what we do as how we feel about it (or I guess just me since I’m the only one writing).  So…

Today was mostly good.  Viv and I went to the library this morning and checked out the scene.  The library was a joke compared to the Oak Park library but, honestly, the library in Oak Park is ridiculous.  The library has what it’s supposed to have: books and storytimes.  We need to bring proof of our address in to get a library card and I’m really struggling to find proof of my address.  I hope my NHS (National Health Service) card will suffice.  Tomorrow there is a storytime at 11 so Viv and I are planning to go.  Maybe I’ll make a friend!

I was kind of expecting Viv to sleep at least 3 hours today.  Big mistake!  I should never EXPECT a nap to be long or I just create an impossible list of things to do and will never be satisfied with what I’m able to get done while she’s awake.  Today I even made the mistake of taking a shower during her nap with the plan of blow-drying and straightening my hair and maybe even putting on makeup.  Of course, I ended up clean with wet hair and no makeup.  I guess I just need to be thankful that I’m clean. 

She woke up happy but the rest of the afternoon was a bust.  I made vegetable curry for dinner for the first time and realized halfway through that I was missing two key ingredients.  “Running out to the store” is no longer an option so Vivi and I spent 45 minutes getting to and from the store (including gearing up in raincoats and umbrellas because it was raining of course).  As we were leaving I informed her that she needed to ride in the buggy because we were in a hurry.  She seemed to cooperate until I actually put her in the buggy and then it was shrieking, back-arching and kicking.  As I was fighting my screaming daughter into her buggy I noticed that one of her molars was actually poking through.  OK, I can be sympathetic to that.  I went and got her a little homeopathic thing that supposed to make her feel better and told her that if she was calm and quiet to the corner she could have a “crunchy ball.”  That quieted her down and she did okay until we got home from the store. 

So, this blog is supposed to be about my experiences in London, but right now my experiences are mostly just being a mom to a teething two-year-old who has been through a lot in the past few months.  Hopefully it’s not boring you to tears to read about all of this toddler drama, but this is the bulk of what I deal with daily. 

Ok, so when we got back she threw about 3 more screaming fits and then someone knocked on the door.  He was a charming young man trying to get me to support Save the Children.  I’m sure it’s a good cause, but mostly I just wanted to talk to someone, so I talked to him for quite a while.  It’s amazing the things that are highlights of my day now when before they would have been a nuisance.  At one point he said hi to Viv and she just laid her head on my shoulder and cried.  Poor thing is obviously struggling.  I know she’s struggling and I would love to just sit and cuddle her and calm her down but I have to finish my curry (which is not turning out well).  My phone has absolutely no network connectivity for some reason tonight so I’m in a black hole of communication.  Mark ended up being half and hour late so I was just here stirring my curry and trying to placate my screaming toddler. 

Not a great night.  I know it’s going to keep being a roller coaster but I keep thinking, “OK, I’m out of the woods now.  It’s all going to be good from here on.”  Maybe I should just stop saying that to myself.  And, also, maybe I should get some sleep.  I’m tired.  …But I am eating fruits and vegetables and exercising (walking), Mom…

Moving Day

I know what you're thinking...




Our new place couldn't possibly have lived up to the ridiculously high expectations that I had going into our move.




You're absolutely right.  Almsot everything about the experience today was disappointing.

The movers showed up 2 hours late because they had issues with their brakes, so while we were waiting in an empty house with no toilet paper, handsoap, drinking water, internet or toys for Vivian I had time to explore things like: how solid the windows are (answer not at all solid in any way), do the doors actually close (eventually after much maneuvering) , how many boards in the floors squeak (not just squeak but actually sink on one side and raise on the other like a see-saw) when you step on them.

When the movers arrived I was still relatively optimistic until they finished bringing in the boxes and said, "So, do you want any help unpacking?"  I don't mean to be a spoiled princess, but when we are paying (OK, we're not but someone is) about $8,000 for an international move and they state in the contract that they pack AND UNPACK you my expectations are set a certain way.  Now, there are some extenuating circumstances here: we have NO furniture to unpack into.  We brought two arm chairs with ottomans which will not really fit anywhere comfortably and one tiny dresser which almost doesn't count.  That being said, I still feel like we packed WAY TOO MUCH.  When our kitchen stuff was being unwrapped (by Mark, me, and the movers) I was thinking, "Seriously?  We need this many mixing bowls?"  We have been living in corporate housing with exactly zero mixing bowls and we're still doing pretty well.  Now that we have six I should really be mixing A LOT of stuff or I'm just going to feel silly.

The guys who were here to move and unpack us made it seem like we were asking the world of them to unpack us so we just told them to leave once we verified that none of our valuables were damaged.  I felt silly asking them to stay and do what we thought they were supposed to do.  It turns out that they were supposed to do exactly what I thought they were supposed to do.  An unpack should take an entire day.  The container didn't arrive until 11:10 a.m. and they were gone by 2:15.  That is most definitely not an entire day of work!

I freaked out several times during the day.  I cried because I felt so silly that I thought this place was heaven on Earth and it turns out to just be a normal old house with character and a cherry tree in the back.

Last night I was explaining to Mark how I was feeling.  This house isn't just a place to live for the next 12 months.  It's almost everything I have to be excited about.  Of course I have Vivian and Mark, but I know them.  This place is new.  I can organize it, decorate it, explore it.  I don't have anything else like that here (that I don't have to leave by noon in order to get Viv down for her nap).  I don't have any adults to talk to after the match last night.  I don't have any adults to talk to about how crazy it is that there is so much heavy metal currency (coinage) in the UK.  I don't have any adults to talk to about anything... ever.  Except if I brought my club card with me to buy groceries... and NO... I do not have a club card.  Mark gets to laugh with his coworkers about how to find babysitters, what to do with change and where to find a good pint when you have kids.  I have NOTHING.  NO ONE.  Except Mark, and luckily he talks to me and has people who are nice and friendly and apparently like him quite a bit.  Someday I'll probably be in that situation, but realistically it might take me an entire year to be able to have a casual conversation like that with someone.  Luckily I have a kid which will help me meet people, but it's nothing like having your desk right next to someone else - who happens to be British.

We are back in corporate housing tonight.  We decided that rather than sleep on an air mattress in a room full of wardrobe boxes because we don't have anywhere to hang clothes (no closets so we have to buy wardrobes) in a house with no tv or internet connection we would just come "home" to corporate housing where at least we know what to do.

At one point today I told Mark that I just really miss our house in Oak Park.  At least there we have a place for everything.  The doors don't squeak or get caught on the carpeting.  We can peak in on Vivi while she's sleeping without causing a huge disturbance and the cabinets in the kitchen were built for short people instead of giants.  I cried when I said that (not the thing about the giants... the thing about missing our house in Oak Park).  Let's be honest.  I never wanted to move.  I loved our house.  I loved our life.  I love the park, the yard, the community, the potential.  I loved everything about it.  I still love our dear friends.  London is an adventure that I know will be good for us in ways that are sometimes painful, but at the moment when I was standing in the kitchen crying, I just really wanted to be "home."

This is the absolute opposite of how I expected to feel today, which is what makes it even harder.  If I had mentally prepared for the disappointment of moving into the house that I was so excited about it might not have been so difficult, but alas, I did not prepare myself correctly.

Now, we're going to bed.  We're going to sleep until we wake up (let's be honest, until Vivi wakes us up) and then we're going to move our 9+ suitcases down to our new home, go furniture shopping so we have someplace to put all of our stuff and pick up the crib (called a cot here) that I bought off Gumtree (basically craigslist)... oh and keep unpacking.  Should be a pretty laid-back day...

...And just to comment on Vivian.  I think today was the best day of her life.  We unpacked all of these toys that I don't think she had been actively missing but was thrilled to see again.  She played happily for hours in her new room with all of the stuff we unpacked.  We finally got her down for her nap an hour late but she was up 90 minutes later.  I think she's going to be quite happy with a real house from here on out!

Waiting for deliveries

Today we didn't go anywhere because we were waiting for some deliveries.  I thought I needed to stay home all day like when you're waiting for the cable guy and they tell you they'll be there between 8 a.m. and 6 p.m. That's exactly what happened today but no one ever came.  I kind of forgot that when you live in a high-rise they just drop the mail off at the front desk.  So... we stayed home all day for nothing and learned, once again, that it's just not a good idea.

Vivi is experimenting with fashion these days.

Vivian was fine.  We had a picnic on the porch and played some games like Ring around the Rosy and set up ramps to roll balls down.  I am the one who was the problem.

Picnic lunch on the porch.

I have been really enjoying my time here so far.  Partly because we were here for a couple weeks before Austin and Kristin came and I knew that they were coming.  Now we're on our own and I'm realizing that I just don't know anyone.  I mean, I know a couple of people's names and faces, but I don't know them and I definitely wouldn't call them crying because I'm lonely.  In the morning before the US is awake I have no one to talk to and yesterday that became very real to me.

So, I started downward spiraling a bit thinking of all of the terrible things that I could think about being in London and cried for a while.  After Mark came home I yelled at him a bit for no reason, I calmed down, apologized, stopped feeling sorry for myself and was much better.  I guess it's inevitable that I'm going to feel bummed out from time to time while I'm here, but I don't want to take it out on Mark!  I have decided that the most important thing for me to do is GO OUT.  It's challenging to go out every morning.  It gets tiring and it's a lot of work to get places with Viv, but it's worth it!  I get to see fun stuff, Vivi gets to see fun stuff.  I get to take pictures of her being super cute and then we come home, have lunch and she goes to sleep while I get stuff done.  So far it's a pretty magical system and I need to keep it up even after we move to Balham.

Lesson learned!

Packing Regrets

I am experiencing some regret now that we are here.  When we were moving I assumed we would be moving into a microscopic flat with no room for anything.  We ended up selling SO much of our stuff and storing loads of stuff that I really love.

I know it's not that big of a deal on the grand scheme of things, but I am definitely experiencing regret about much of the stuff that we sold or stored.  I sold some of my super cute Christmas stuff that I got on ridiculous sales at the end of the season.  I also stored a bunch of my really cute serving pieces from my dish set.  We will actually have more dish storage space in our new place than our old place.  Maybe at Christmas when we come back I'll rifle through the storage unit and try to find some of that stuff to bring back.  OR... I could just buy a bunch of new stuff.  Not as fun though, since I have great stuff that I love already.

Oh well... I'm sure I'll survive! :)

Saying Goodbye

I haven't really been nervous about our move for the past couple of months.  I have been too busy getting everything done in order to get over there.  I have, however, been very aware of the need to say goodbye to the people I love.

I cried a lot.  I know that I'm not saying goodbye forever, but it has been a very emotionally charged couple of weeks.  I will miss the easy access to friends and family and envy the normal life I feel like I would have had if we had stayed.  This will be great, but I definitely appreciate and will miss the community we are leaving (even if they are a 4 hour car trip or plane ride away).