Now I'm 34

Last Tuesday I turned 34.  I spent most of the day feeling sorry for myself because I had to make my own cupcakes and clean the house to get ready for the babysitter so that I could go out to dinner to celebrate my birthday.  I was actually really mad for quite a while.

Then a neighbor and friend stopped by with a card to say happy birthday.  I told her I was making my own cupcakes and she said that he remembered doing that with her kids.  Her daughter decorated her cake and dumped the entire box of silver balls on her cake and it was such a mess.  She laughed about the fond memory.  Then I talked to my mom.  I told her that I would probably be disappointed at dinner because it was my birthday and special occasions often end up being terrible because you expect to have an amazing night out of the house but you end up just fighting because your expectations aren't being met.  She told me to just pretend it was any other night so that my expectations weren't too high.  Yeah right, Mom.... like that would actually work.

But it did.

I picked up Vivian from nursery and we went to the market to buy decorations for my cupcakes.  She picked out pink squeezy tube decorating frosting and blue and green mini M&M type things.  She helped me crack the eggs for the cupcakes and stir in the chocolate for the frosting.  She licked the beaters.  She helped me decorate the cupcakes that ended up being too dense because we over-stirred them... above all, she had a GREAT time.

The thing is, I keep mourning the loss of the life that I used to have... still.  Moms of young children don't usually get woken up with breakfast in bed and presents that have been wrapped with ribbons and surprise days at the spa.  (Who am I kidding?... no one has birthdays like this...do they?)  Moms of young children make their own cupcakes with their children, even though it is incredibly messy and a bit annoying, because baking is super fun for kids.  They spend the evening getting the kids in bed so that a babysitter can come and sit on the couch while they go out to dinner.

And, do you know what?  I had a FANTASTIC time at dinner with Mark.  Why?  I decided it was more important to get over myself than to prove a pointless point.

I have a wonderful life.  I have two incredible girls who are healthy and happy and smiley and fun.  I have an incredible husband who provides for us so well that I can stay home and enjoy those wonderful girls.  I have an incredible husband who also comes home every night to help with baths and bed time.  He reads a chapter in the Magic Tree House books to Vivian before bed every night and makes her squeal with laughter.  He says good night prayers and then sings to her before kissing her goodnight.  He places us so high on his list of priorities that he will leave work in a heartbeat to get home if we really need him.

Why would I ruin an awesome opportunity to be out having a great time at an amazing (Michelin Star Rated) restaurant with my favorite person in the world by complaining about how much it sucks that I have to make my own cupcakes?

Luckily I didn't... but I almost did.

Sharing a Room

I am bursting with pride right now, and I think it's a bit of an overreaction.

Yesterday we bought a single bed (really nice bed, really good deal) for Vivian so that we can turn the cot bed (toddler bed) back into a cot (crib) for Violet.  We have always intended for them to share a room but I've just been a bit nervous about it.  With Vivian I was always so freaked out about her sleep that I wouldn't even enter the room during her nap for fear of waking her up.  I never did anything that interfered with her nap schedule and would spend hours online reading about what I should do when something would go awry.  She was a generally good sleeper too.  I'm pretty sure that my neuroses is the only thing that kept her from sleeping perfectly at all times.

Violet is not so lucky (or is she?).  Her schedule has to fit around our life because I don't have the luxury of not going to pick up Viv from nursery if Violet is asleep.  She spends a large portion of her life in my Ergo Baby Carrier being toted from home to wherever it is we need to go.  And, you know what?  She is just as good a sleeper, or maybe even better, than Vivian was... go figure.

So, I was a bit apprehensive about putting them in the same room.  To be honest, I wasn't even going to attempt it for a couple of months.  But... we got this new bed yesterday and needed to leave the crib in there and figured we might as well try it all at once.  The pack n' play is still set up in our room so that we can bring her back in if we need to, but I am optimistic.  Last night Violet slept from 7 pm to 5 am without waking up.  We, of course, didn't get to sleep through.  Vivian wet the bed at 1 so we were up changing sheets, bathing her and begging her to cry a little bit more quietly so that Violet didn't wake up.  She didn't cry more quietly and Violet still didn't wake up.  Miracle!

Now we just need to get Violet to sleep through the night and Vivian to stay dry during the night.  If and when that happens I am seriously going to feel like a million bucks.  There just might be a light at the end of this crazy tunnel.

PSFA

I went to my first PTA meeting last night at Vivian's nursery.  Instead of PTA, though it is the Parents, Staff and Friends Association.  Since it is just a nursery for one year of the students life, it has very few people who actually attend.  Last night I went expecting to see about 30 parents and instead there were 7.  I ended up signing up to be a class rep.  That means that I stand near the entrance during drop off and pick up to talk to people and get them to do things to help raise money.  It's a perfect job for me because it means that I have to get to know all of the parents (or nannies) of all of the students in Vivian's class.  I already met the mom and dad of one of the girls.  They just moved here from Japan and don't know anyone.  They're super sweet and cute and stylish and need friends.  I can relate to the needing friends bit.  It's kind of fun that I'm the veteran in this situation.  I hope that I can provide her with the same type of welcome feeling that several people have provide for me since I've lived here.

Getting involved in a PTA makes me kind of excited about this next chapter in our lives.  School ties you down, and we don't really like being tied down, but it will be nice to have activities and meet new people.  All of this brings me to another complaint (I know I have been complaining a lot lately... I'm sorry.  I will try to get back to my positive self soon...): Getting more involved in the community and the school and meeting more people and making more friends will just make it harder to leave.  I feel like I have a choice.  I could either put my head in the sand and refuse to make new friends or learn new things because we'll leave someday, or I could embrace the fact that this is my home and try to do my best to live a full life.

I am so happy that we moved here.  There is so much about this experience that has taught me about how to live well... but I hate being in limbo, and essentially, that is what this whole time is.

It's late... I need to get some sleep.

I hope this blog isn't super boring because I talk about the same thing all the time.  I definitely get on kicks (you should be glad that I haven't written down every thought that has passed through my head about whether I want to have more children. I am like a ping pong ball... mostly pongy right now).

If you ever have requests about certain aspects of life, feel free to ask.

Seriously, I need to go to bed.  Good night.

Sleep Makes All the Difference

Last week I almost lost it. Mark stayed home Friday and let me get some sleep and a tiny bit of down time. Throughout the weekend I slowly but surely started feeling better and more able to deal with life. I was proactive about talking with other mums and I don't feel so crazy anymore. Everyone melts down, usually from sheer exhaustion. Everything just seems so much less hopeful when you haven't slept.

Now I am sitting here rocking my sleeping baby while my lovely little preschooler sleeps peacefully in the other room and all seems right with the world. We had a rough evening on our own because Mark had a work function, but I was able to approach it from a stable place because I am only really tired instead of exhausted, or "knackered."

It is funny because going through this has made me really appreciate the community that I have here. The more you work through hard times in your life with people, the more you bond with them. On one hand it is really nice to bond and feel more supported. On the other hand, it makes me nervous because I know it will be harder to leave after going through this here with these friends. I know this is short-sighted, but that is the kind of thing that makes me wish we never would have come. I don't like missing people. I don't like being away from my family in California. I don't like being away from my friends from California or Chicago. I don't like that I can't just drive down to see Emily and ET on a weekend if I want to. ... And now I will have more friends to miss. I guess the only constant is change. Even if we had stayed put it wouldn't have all been perfect. Friends would have moved away from us or something. 

Oh well, time to quit analyzing and just let myself be happy when I can and allow myself to admit that being a mom really does suck sometimes... But then it gets good again. :)

Constant...Crying...

I admire those mothers who can laugh about their daily life in the midst of their daily life being horrible.  I'm not currently one of those mothers.  When Vivian cries for 4 hours straight about nothing, it wears on me... even after an idyllic morning with her at nursery and time with giggling or sleeping Violet.

When I am sitting in the rocking chair trying to nurse my screaming baby on my sore nipple and she keeps biting down and pulling off it doesn't make me laugh.  When this is all happening while Vivian is downstairs continuing to cry and throw a fit, I don't think it's funny.

I'm trying to enjoy the time while they're young and sometimes I do.  But a lot of the time I just want to stick my head in the oven and scream.  Instead I silent scream at the time and then cry later.

Cool blog, Darcy.  This is really entertaining...

English-isms

I have just noticed lately that I have adopted a few English-isms in my daily speech.  I have tried to adopt the English vocabulary for Vivian's benefit once she starts school.  I don't want her to get made fun of for calling rubbish "garbage" or courgette "zucchini" or worst of all trousers "pants" (that's what they call underwear).

But aside from vocabulary there are other little things that people say that you might not notice at first, or you do, but quickly pick it up.  Recently I have found myself saying:

- "You can come to mine or I can come to yours." (house)
- "Would you like to go for a coffee?"  (instead of just going for coffee)
- "Do you want to walk round the school?"  (instead of around)

There are also lots of little things like "pop round for a visit" and/or "nip by for a minute."  People say "ta" instead of thanks and they shorten everything quite a bit.  Brilliant is commonly used here as everyone knows, but quite a few people say "brill."

When typing text messages or emails, almost everyone shortens "very" to "v" and signs their name with an x, like DarcyX or Dx or Darcy x.  (I'm starting to do this too, because I don't want people to think I'm rude for not blowing them a kiss at the end of what I say.)

When I was in the states I noticed that I was kissing people (on the cheek of course) that I usually just hug.  (I was actually quite embarrassed afterwards, because I used to think it was SO pretentious and didn't want to be "one of those.")  It's because that's what everyone does here.  It's usually one kiss on the right cheek, but there are the occasional double kissers (usually people who have lived out of the country) and then it throws me all off.  I used to be the worst at the kiss hello or goodbye but necessity has forced me to improve.

When I filled out the form for Vivian's nursery I made sure to specify that we speak American English at home.  There is a difference!

Emergency Contact

Vivian started nursery today.  It was a bit anti-climatic for me because they ask that the parents stay with the child on-site until the child is fully adjusted.  So, there was no teary goodbye... no goodbye at all.  We did take a BOATLOAD of photos though, so that's good.

She had a great time playing with this huge water table that they have.  When we first arrived there were toy fish in the water.  Then we went upstairs for a new parents meeting and when we came back down the water was full of anatomically correct baby dolls of both genders.  Interesting.  I'm not sure what message they're sending about swimming, but I'm sure I'll be answering questions about it.

As I was filling out paperwork it asked me to list two emergency contacts in case Mark or I become unavailable and Vivian needs to be picked up.  I was stumped.  I have no idea who to put down.  It's weird that it hit me so hard.

Well, it's 10:15 p.m. and I just finished cleaning the kitchen, folding the laundry and starting the last load in the dryer (it's SOOO nice to have a dryer).  I'm WIPED OUT!  This two kid thing is pretty exhausting.  Today Viv took a nap and I was sure that I would have about 30 minutes in nap overlap to do something really efficiently or maybe sit down for a minute, but nope!  Violet woke up as Vivian was finishing up lunch... bummer!  No rest for me today.  Mark is out at a work dinner so I've been completely on my own for dinner, bath and bed tonight. Not my favorite, but we got through it.

I'm just dawdling now.  I need to sleep while I can.  Goodnight.